April: Live with Confidence

One of the perks of living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder is that you second guess EVERYTHING. Whether I am buying a house, a pair of socks, treating a patient, or making a life altering decision, my brain whispers, “Are you sure? What if you’re wrong? What if the exact opposite is true/better? How will you know? You need to think/pray/freak out more about this.” I am paralyzed by indecision and worry that my choice is wrong, either fundamentally or factually.

This month is going to require some confidence.

Heck, my entire life could use some confidence.

I’m closing on my 3rd house this month.  Yup – for those of you keeping score at home – I have owned more houses than cars (3:1). I have decisions to make about paint, decor, and where the silverware drawer is going to be in the kitchen. I have cleaning projects, landscape projects, and painting projects all lined up; most of them will be put on hold until I can unload my current property to conserve money. This is my new home, I have to own it and the decisions that come with it.

The loved one with an alcohol addiction combined with a new house that I’m 85% sure I like has been a bit more than I expected to be dealing with at this point. Nonetheless, the Lord shall provide.

I found this book about making decisions with a Christian-centric mindset, and it was like a breath of fresh air for me.  The basic principle was, “What does God think about non-moral decisions? How do I know God’s will for my life?” Mr. DeYoung proposes just to do something, much akin to throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it will stick – the fleeces we depend on are more out of our culture than the Bible. The Bible has much to say about living, but does not specifically address major life decisions such as, should I marry this person?  Should I buy this car? Obviously, seeking the Lord in all things, but sometimes He doesn’t give a clear answer. And so we act. The Lord will provide.

What does living with confidence look like? I’m not sure yet.

I need to pray about that some more.

Another turn

It has recently come to light that there is an addict in my inner circle.

She excels at her job.  She drives a luxury vehicle.  Her husband is a great guy and treats her like a queen.  She takes lavish vacations. She’s an extrovert who’s always been the life of the party – I’ve known her practically my entire life.  She’s my foil, the mirror image of my personality.  I often wish I had the balls she has.

She also shoots up with narcotics, and when that was in short supply, downing as much alcohol as she could.  And has been doing so for quite some time.

It all came to a head when her narcotic source turned her in.

Currently, she is in a posh rehab facility and jobless.  I was one of the last to know, as per usual.  I’m not much for crying, but I got so emotional on the phone with her.  I had to see her, so I took a couple of days off work to visit her.  Not seeing her was not an option.

I went to a counseling appointment with her.  She’s the same sober – perhaps a bit more in touch with reality and not always complaining about how tired she was or napping (which now I can attribute to her in between doses).  She was so good at hiding her addiction that her husband had no idea.  She is learning how to stay sober and they are giving her the tools she needs to succeed in her sobriety once she leaves the comforts of rehab.  I had a good visit with her and learned a lot by going to my first AA meeting at the facility.  I was struck by the humanity.

It also hit me like a ton of bricks.  Based on what I learned through her and the meetings, I strongly feel that there is another addict in my circle, one who’s behaviors mimic her’s – the drug is alcohol.  There’s been some mild confrontation – a breakthrough here and there – but ultimately what I believe is an addiction.  I shared these thoughts with my suspected addict and got silence.  Next steps?  Abstinence or counseling.  Neither of which I believe they will go for – but in lieu of trying to change someone’s behavior, I have decided to change mine and leave the presence of this supposed addict when they’re on a “high.”

As someone who has never dealt with addiction, I am in uncharted territory, which happens to be underwater and I’m not a very good at keeping my eyes open while swimming.

Here’s to the salty water not stinging too much.